Where Were You?

Where were you when your world stopped turning?

Where were you when the trajectory of your life dead sprinted into a wall?

Where were you when you were first introduced to the world’s most notorious enemy: grief?

Where were you when you first learned that your body may not be as healthy as you once thought?

Where were you when you learned that your childhood playroom, pillow tucked up your dress,  may be the only place you would get to play mama?

Where were you when you learned that you wouldn’t get to impregnate your partner, but the local doctor would?

Where did you first learn that you were part of a selective community, that abhorred this said community, but were stuck in it?

Where were you when you learned that infertility wasn’t just for “other” people?

Where were you when life got hard?

Where were you when you felt paralyzed by your pain?

Where were you when your lack of belonging made you someone who avoided everything that you used to enjoy?

Where when you when you met depression?

Where were you when you started resenting your story?

Go there.

Try to recall that moment.

I won’t make you stay there long.

Find that moment, the one that changed you. The one that made you feel the world fell off its axis. The one that made you feel different. The one where you wanted to give your spouse a free pass at divorce so they could enjoy the biological children you may not be able to give them. The one where you’re covered in the paper dress in the doctors office where you had a medical vocabulary lesson about all that is wrong with you.

Sit there, friend. Find the emotions that come up for you.

Fear.

Anger.

Sadness.

Anxiety.

Betrayal.

Self-hatred.

Imagine yourself, sitting in a wide open space, with your back against a tree, covered by its shade. Put whatever negative emotion you are holding down next to you.

Seriously, put it down.

Turn to the other side of you and I want you to pick up what I have put beside you:

Grace.

Patience.

Gratitude.

Strength.

Courage.

Resilience.

What do you need? Pick that up

Sit with that for a moment.

What have you learned about yourself that you wouldn’t have without this journey? What have you learned about your partner that you wouldn’t have without this path?

Your journey to parenthood may not have gotten any easier with what you have just picked up, but what new resources do you have for your journey?

Walk in the truth of this paradigm shift. Pick up the gift that I am offering you, knowing that your journey is teaching you these things.

Whether your story ends with a child or not, are you going to walk in weakness or strength?

Are you going to learn you are brave or that you are wounded?

Are you going remain the same or are you going to be better because of this journey?

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Cathie Quillet, LMFT

Cathie Quillet, LMFT

Founder of The Quillet Institute
Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Therapist
Mom to Four Miscarried Babies

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