Why Not?

Men, think back to your wedding day for a moment. We all said things that day that we’d be held to for the rest of our lives. We made a commitment to our wives. A commitment of love, a commitment to faithfulness, a commitment to unity, and a commitment of “for better or worse”. In other words, no matter what may come our way, good or bad, I’m there with you, I’m for you, I love you, and I’m fully committed to you.

Fast forward to this moment. Infertility has hit. Maybe a recent miscarriage. The two of you are facing grief and hardship like you never have before. This is the “or worse” we all spoke of on our wedding day. When we make that “for better or worse” commitment, we don’t REALLY think the “or worse” is going to happen to us. That’s for other people to endure, right? Wrong. You’re there now. I’ve been there. It’s real and this infertility is potentially the greatest foe you’ll ever face.

So, men, as we walk this journey of infertility alongside our wives, I have to ask you, are you doing it alongside her, or are you just kind of “along for the ride”? I once spoke to a husband who, when asked about their infertility struggle, said, “this is her thing”. Nope, it’s not. It’s YOUR thing and you committed to it being YOUR thing on your wedding day. Do you remember? Sure you do. Whether it’s cancer, infertility, or a head cold, you committed to do it alongside her, partnering with her along the way.

So guys, when it comes time for another appointment with the fertility doctor, when it comes time for her to pee on the stick, when it comes time to talk about new meds, when there’s a new diagnosis you need to learn about…why would we NOT be all in? Why wouldn’t we be present at those appointments? Why wouldn’t we be right by her side, sitting on the edge of the tub while she peed on that stick? Why wouldn’t we begin reading up on the new diagnosis and how it will affect her? Why would we not be fully engaged in this process. This isn’t “her thing”, it’s your thing. Both of you. Together. Remember?

So, why not? What’s holding you back from attending these appointments? What is keeping you from being fully engaged with her in this? Why has there felt like a lack of unity in your marriage when it comes to infertility? As in any team sport, if even one person isn’t fully engaged and there completely for the person beside them, they are not going to succeed. There must be unity if you two are going to make it through this. Your wife needs one thing above all else through this journey. You, by her side.

What step toward her can you take today that once again says, “no matter what may come our way, good or bad, I’m there with you, I’m for you, I love you, and I’m fully committed to you.”? If you haven’t already, men, take that step today. You got this!

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Cathie Quillet, LMFT

Cathie Quillet, LMFT

Founder of The Quillet Institute
Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Therapist
Mom to Four Miscarried Babies

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